Confession: Sometimes I Don’t Want to Hear


Image Credits: Soda Head

It’s been just shy of 11 months since I receive my cochlear implant and 10 months since I’ve been activated. I have definitely made amazing progress. I hear very well now, sometimes even too well.

But my confession? Despite all I went through to hear, sometimes I really don’t want to hear.

I know receiving my hearing has been a blessing and I am eternally grateful for it. My biggest and only regret is that I didn’t do this sooner. I can’t wait to get my 2nd implant over the next 2 months.

However, I am glad I wasn’t born with the ability to hear. I am glad that it’s a magnet that I can take off at any given time, therefore removing my ability to hear.

Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I want to hear, but then there are those times when I hear too much and the fact that I can hear becomes a bit annoying. I find myself resisting the urge to scream “Shut up” when people at work are talking and I have to take a call at my desk. I hear other people’s conversations whenever I’m in the same room as them and I don’t want to hear it. I hear random sounds I never picked up in the past (I actually heard a man flushing a urinal the other day…the door was opened right as someone else flushed it. The fact that I could hear it was strange to me and a little awkward…)

Sometimes, I just want peace and quiet.

My biggest issue isn’t that I can hear sounds now, but that it’s a distraction to me. I have a very hard time focusing on anything but the sounds that I hear. I cannot listen to music most of the time when I work because it gets too distracting. Sometimes I can work around it, but if it’s a radio station where people are talking, forget it. I can’t read if people are talking, the radio is on, or any kind of noise is taking place. I have become extremely sensitive to outside noise and I am unable to block most of it out. “Background noise” doesn’t exist that much for me anymore.

I was talking to my boyfriend, Larry about this tonight. He says he doesn’t have this problem. I think it’s because he’s had the ability to hear his whole life unlike me. I think that it never bothered me in the past because I couldn’t hear these noises — it was like they never existed at all. Now suddenly I can hear them and it’s like a new world for me and my mind isn’t used to it. I need to work to train my mind to filter through what it wants to hear and what it can ignore.

Yes, my cochlear has filters for background noise. I used them when I went to Dave and Buster’s with my boyfriend and I use them a lot when we go out to eat, but this is not the same. This isn’t real “background noise” to filter through. It’s a matter of being able to hear sounds, some expected and some unexpected, and not be so distracted by them as to lose focus on what I was or am currently trying to do.

It’s different for people that have always had their hearing like Larry. They were probably born with this ability to filter through sound and not become distracted by it, because it’s what they’ve been doing their whole lives. It’s nothing new for them like it is for me.

I love that I can hear. Obviously, or else I wouldn’t be looking to get my second implant, but this hearing thing still takes some getting used to. I think my hearing loss is a blessing.I love that I can turn it on and off. If I had to hear EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME I think I’d lose my mind.

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